GRUNIONS - a short play by Barbara Lindsay

GRUNIONS

a short play by Barbara Lindsay

SETTING: A beach along the California coast.

TIME: Late at night. Summer.

AT RISE: AUGIE and CARLA, a married couple, are there.

There is a refreshing unabashedness about AUGIE,

while CARLA, on the other hand and pardon my

French, has a bug up her ass.

AUGIE

What time is it? They’re supposed to run around midnight. This is great, isn’t it? Look at this night we’ve got here. Couldn’t be better. Actually I wanted to go a little farther up the coast, get away from the lights and the people, but I was afraid we’d miss it. How you doing?

CARLA

Fine.

AUGIE

Is that…? No. Is that just foam? I can’t even tell. Although if you can’t tell, it probably isn’t them. It’ll probably be unmistakable, don’t you think? How you doing? Oh no, you know what I did? I forgot my flashlight. How could I be so stupid? I should have brought my flashlight.

CARLA

What flashlight?

AUGIE

The flashlight. The silver one. There’s only one, isn’t there?

CARLA

That’s not your flashlight.

AUGIE

Whose is it?

CARLA

It’s ours. It’s mine, too.

AUGIE

Well sure.

CARLA

You kept saying “my flashlight” as if it’s somehow just yours. How’s that supposed to make me feel?

AUGIE

No, of course, our flashlight, yours and mine. Mi flashlight es su flashlight. Naturally. How could we not think to bring it? Hope the moon stays out. I wonder, do they always run during a full moon? I can’t remember if it was full last year. Remember?

CARLA

Yes.

AUGIE

Are you cold? Do you want my jacket? We should have brought the blanket. Our blanket. This is great, isn’t it? I didn’t even think to bring a six pack. A six pack would be just the ticket right about now. I can’t believe I forgot. I’m like a kid. It’s amazing I got out of the house with my fly zipped. Oh.

(He zips his fly.)

I wonder if they can hear me talk or feel the vibrations in the sand when we move around.

CARLA

I’m cold.

AUGIE

You want my jacket?

CARLA

It’s after eleven. Let’s go home.

AUGIE

Are you kidding? We’d miss it. We just got here. What’s the point of coming down if we just turn around and go home?

CARLA

There is no point in coming down here.

AUGIE

Right.

CARLA

That’s my point.

AUGIE

That’s my point, too.

CARLA

So let’s go.

AUGIE

No no, that’s not my point. My point is that there’s no point in coming down here if we just leave. Don’t you want to see it?

CARLA

Not particularly.

AUGIE

Why not?

CARLA

I just don’t. It’s stupid.

AUGIE

Honey, this is a natural phenomenon. I mean, it only happens once a year. This is a great opportunity. Think of the people in Kansas. They’d have to get plane tickets and hotel reservations to see this. We’re just forty minutes away. It’s too good to pass up.

CARLA

Pass up what? These little fish swim onto the beach, flop around, and swim away. And then they die.

AUGIE

Yeah, but that moment on the beach is the highlight of their little lives. All that flopping around is laying eggs, or, what do you, spawning or mating, something like that. This is the big night for these guys. Life’s last orgy.

CARLA

What are you so excited about? This isn’t a moon landing we’re talking about here. It’s fish. It’s fish nobody even eats.

AUGIE

Yeah they do.

CARLA

Oh Augie.

AUGIE

Okay, but it’s fish who do something none of the other fish do. Like the swallows returning to Capistrano, or the lemmings throwing themselves off the cliffs, like that. There’s mystery here, and magic, a little bit of the unexplainable. I don’t see how you can not be interested.

CARLA

I’m just not.

AUGIE

For real?

CARLA

Yes.

AUGIE

I don’t get it. The first time we came here to see it, you said it was the best night of your life. And last year, I remember distinctly, you were so excited to get here, you stubbed your toe rushing me out the door and didn’t even notice until we were in the car.

CARLA

Last year, you will also remember, our shoes got wet, I got sand in my panties, we had a big fight over nothing, you got a sore throat, and we did not see the grunions.

AUGIE

We weren’t in a good spot.

CARLA

We didn’t see them the first time, either.

AUGIE

We just weren’t in a good spot. This is a much better spot. I’ve got good instincts for these things. Look there, what’s that? Is that…? Is that…? No, that’s seaweed, isn’t it. Oh man, this is great. I wouldn’t miss this for anything. I mean, think about this. I know you’re not interested, but just think about this for a minute. Out there someplace, there’s this huge mass of silver fish heading this way. They don’t know why. We don’t know why. It wasn’t a decision, they didn’t take a vote, no one sent them an invitation or a map. Just some little instinctual time-release firecracker went off in their bodies, and all as one, they turned and formed a line as long as the California coast, and started swimming. They’re swimming right now, as if that’s the only thing that matters. It’s single-mindedness with no mind, urgency that’s pure urge. They don’t know what drives them; they don’t give it a name or ask it a question. They just turn as one and start the swim that brings them here, to this place where we stand, for a massive celebration of sex and death. Look at this, I’m giving myself goosebumps. All my hairs are popping up.

CARLA

That’s the wind.

AUGIE

Well, so, what do you think?

CARLA

About what?

AUGIE

What I was saying.

CARLA

It’s ridiculous.

AUGIE

It certainly is not. It’s slightly exaggerated scientific fact.

CARLA

It’s PR. Somebody sold you a bill of goods that this wonderful event is going to take place on the beach.

AUGIE

I’m not the only one. Look at all these people.

CARLA

Sure, everybody is told the same story. It keeps us all excited, keeps us coming back for more, keeps us thinking that life is going to start any minute now, if we can just find the right spot, get in on the action.

AUGIE

Are we talking about the same thing?

CARLA

Well I’m sorry, but it’s still just fish to me.

AUGIE

Carla, can I ask you something? Don’t take this wrong, but are you having your period?

CARLA

Goddamn it, Augie, don’t ask me that! You always ask me that. I hate it when you ask me that. It’s insulting.

AUGIE

Well what’s bugging you?

CARLA

We just have different ideas of what this evening is supposed to look like.

AUGIE

There’s nothing to it. We come down here, the grunion arrive, they do their little fish business, we go “ooh, ahh, look at the fish,” they go home, we go home.

CARLA

For heaven’s sake, grow up. We are not going to see the grunions.

AUGIE

Why not?

CARLA

We never do. Do we? Have we ever?

AUGIE

We’ve missed them twice. That’s not “ever”.

CARLA

Twice is every time we’ve tried. That’s “ever”.

AUGIE

We’ll see them this year.

CARLA

No we won’t. It’s pointless. It’s like waiting up to see Santa Claus. I feel as though my whole life is going to be spent standing on the beach with my eyes wide open and my hands clasped expectantly, waiting for fish to show up. And the fish won’t show up.

AUGIE

I thought you wanted to see it.

CARLA

You don’t understand anything I’m saying.

AUGIE

No, of course not.

CARLA

I did want to see it. I always do. I keep thinking this time will be the time and it never is.

AUGIE

It’s just fish. Nothing to get traumatized over.

CARLA

For heaven’s sake, this is not about fish!

AUGIE

I’ve been trying to work this backwards, but I can’t seem to pinpoint that moment when we took a turn for the worse. You were fine during the phone call from Marge. Dinner was okay. Doing the dishes was no problem. Let’s see, I took a shower, you watched the news. You said, “The grunion are running tonight,” and I said, “Great, let’s go. I feel lucky tonight.” Okay, so I’m putting on my jacket, putting out the animals, we’re getting the car out of the garage…

CARLA

Do you remember the first time we came to see it? It was about four years ago, right after we got married. We thought I was pregnant, and we had a bottle of champagne, but no glasses. You asked me to dance, so we took off our shoes, and you popped the cork. And while we were dancing, you said the softest, most intimate things to me, right into my ear, so that I could feel them as much as hear them. And I remember thinking, “This is it. At last, at last, I’m as happy as I’m supposed to be.”

AUGIE

Wait a minute, I’ve got it.

CARLA

Dancing barefoot in the sand, drinking champagne from the bottle.

AUGIE

It was in the car, right? Driving past the Knickerbocker Liquor Locker. You said, “Let’s get some champagne” and I said, “Time’s a’wasting,” or something like that. Right? Of course, I see it now. You want this to be like the other time, right? That’s it, right?

CARLA

I would rather not remember some things. I would rather not hope for some things.

AUGIE

Okay, right, I got it, sure, of course, listen, you want to dance?

CARLA

No.

AUGIE

You want me to go get some champagne?

CARLA

No.

AUGIE

Take off our shoes?

CARLA

No, no.

AUGIE

Well what? You want me to breathe in your ear?

CARLA

No.

AUGIE

You want to get married again?

CARLA

No.

AUGIE

What? What? You want a divorce?

CARLA

No.

AUGIE

A vacation?

CARLA

No.

AUGIE

A new carpet? A poodle? A backrub? Ice cream? A suicide pact? What? What? Carla, what the hell do you want?

CARLA

I want something to turn out the way it’s supposed to!

AUGIE

Well welcome to the human race! You think this is what I had in mind? You think when I proposed I had this great fantasy going that four years down the road we would come to the beach and yell at each other over fish? Do you think I knew that there would be times when you’d look at me like I’m a used Kleenex, or that I’d look at you and think “Holy hell, when’s the next flight to Alaska?”? No, no, I’m just like you; I thought it was going to be all peaches and roses and sand in our toes and wind in our hair, and the fish will always come and the bills will pay themselves and we’ll have three fat, rosy kids, and ha ha, baby, the joke’s on us. ‘Cause you know what you get, Carla? Do you know what you get? This!

CARLA

This what? What is this? This isn’t even anything.

AUGIE

Yes it is.

CARLA

Oh right, sure, this is standing on the beach. This is waiting, this is fighting.

AUGIE

Right.

CARLA

But this isn’t anything like I thought anything would be like.

AUGIE

No, I know, me neither.

CARLA

This is just this. I mean, it includes a lot and everything, but it’s not, you know, something else. Do you have any idea what I’m trying to say?

AUGIE

I’m doing the best I can.

CARLA

I know that, Augie, really I do. I know you meant this to be special and nice, and it’s the full moon and the sand and all, but I just couldn’t help thinking about being somewhere else.

AUGIE

Maybe if you were with somebody else, too.

CARLA

I didn’t say that.

AUGIE

No, I know, but still. I know I don’t make you happy.

CARLA

For heaven’s sake, whatever I’m doing, I’d rather be doing it with you.

AUGIE

Yeah?

CARLA

Well don’t be ridiculous. Don’t you know that? You’re the one who probably wishes you were with somebody else. Somebody who knew how to enjoy herself and didn’t take everything so hard.

AUGIE

Actually, now that you mention it, no, I don’t.

CARLA

Okay, fine, so we’re in the wrong spot, but we’re with the right person.

AUGIE

I don’t know. Seemed like a good spot to me. I mean, look at the view you’ve got of the moon from here.

CARLA

Yes, I noticed that. It looks pretty on the water, doesn’t it? Big old white moon.

(He puts his jacket around her shoulders,

then finds something in his pocket.)

AUGIE

Well look what we’ve got here.

(He holds up a stick of gum.)

CARLA

Augie, you brought refreshments.

AUGIE

It’s not champagne.

CARLA

Well then, I guess we don’t need glasses.

(They each chew half the stick of gum.)

AUGIE

Are you still cold? Do you want to go home?

CARLA

No, I’m beginning to think you might be right. I think this may be the spot after all.

(They watch the waves.)

Augie, I’m sorry.

AUGIE

Shh. If we’re very quiet, the fish might come.

CARLA

Or not.

AUGIE

Or not.

THE END